Stress and Anxiety

Hey, guys! So this is definitely going to be a more personal and a bit less happy post than usual, so just bear with me for a bit. I'm not writing this to complain or whine or anything like that, but I think it will give you some good background information and who knows, maybe it'll help someone out there as well.

For a few years now, I've been dealing with stress, anxiety, and panic attacks.

I didn't always know what was happening. I've always been a bit anxious around new people and I've never been the best at socializing or making friends, but I always just thought "Oh, I'm an introvert (which I am), and I have a few good friends and that's all I need (which it is)." But getting panicky when I'm stuck in a group with no one I know isn't exactly the best for me. The first panic attack I can actually remember as a panic attack happened almost two years ago now, but my mom thinks I'd had them before even that.

But on this particular day, we had one of our biggest football games to play at, and I hadn't been able to find my marching band shirt for my uniform that morning. I'd already been panicking at home about this since I was new and didn't want to be that one kid that made everyone wear uniform jackets in 90-degree weather because I couldn't be bothered to be in proper uniform. My dad finally just took me to school and said he'd find the shirt and bring it to me before game time. Then, I get to school-- and realize that in my panic, I had forgotten my instrument.

I lost it. I was already shaken up and sticking out like a sore thumb in my yellow shirt, and as a new marcher, I was rather intimidated by the band director. I couldn't stand the idea of telling him I didn't have my flute and couldn't rehearse on the day of the biggest game.

I started crying and hyperventilating and shaking. My head was pounding and my heart felt like it was going to bust and everything was suddenly too loud, too bright, too much. As a person who already hates being put in a spotlight, this just made me feel like everyone was staring at me, the weird girl freaking out in the corner.

I remember thinking oh my goodness, I'm having a panic attack. I knew what was happening, but of course, I had no clue how to stop it. I just panicked and panicked more about panicking. Finally, I did manage to make it to the nurse's office, where I sat and drank water and calmed down until my dad brought me my shirt and flute and I was able to rejoin rehearsal.

I can clearly see now that there was never a huge threat. It was plenty easy for my dad to bring me what I needed in time for it to matter. But that there was nothing to panic over didn't matter then, and it hasn't mattered in any other panic attack since.

The panic attacks were very infrequent at first, and so I didn't really worry much about them or having another one. I don't know what happened recently-- I'm guessing just general junior year stress-- but the attacks came much more frequently. When I had multiple within a few weeks, that's when the worry kicked in. (Now you understand why I didn't post much in April.)

I didn't have to worry what was wrong with me-- I knew what panic attacks were, and thanks to AP Psychology, I knew a good bit about panic disorder as well. But I worried about when the next attack would come, who would see, what I would do. I worried more about panicking during my AP exams than about the exams themselves. I almost didn't want to go to my friend's birthday party because I was afraid I'd have a panic attack in the puzzle escape room and feel trapped and ruin her party.

I did finally talk to my mom about it, and I've been getting help. I wish I could tell you everything is fine now, and I wish I could tell you exactly how to deal with this problem, but I can't. Maybe at some other time, I'll go over a few techniques I've learned for controlling breathing and trying to calm down.

But for now, I just want to say that if you deal with anxiety or panic attacks, you are certainly not alone, and don't be afraid to talk to someone.

And if you do know someone that deals with anxiety or panic attacks, just be there for them. Understand that it's not easy to control and we didn't ask for this and we know it's nothing to stress over. Don't be dismissive or tell them to "chill" or "calm down"-- it's not that easy, believe me, I wish it was. Just be supportive and understanding and listen to them. If they want you there, great, if they want to be alone, that's fine too. Just be their friend.

Anxiety and panic attacks are more than normal stress, and they're a very real problem. I really hope that at least maybe this will eventually help at least one person out there, and I hope it helps someone understand.

If you can relate or if this has helped you in any way, feel free to let me know in comments below. And even if you don't relate, please just try to be respectful of anyone who does deal with this issue. Thanks :)

Why I Blog

Hello readers!

So I'll tell you up front, this won't be that serious of a post. (I do have some more real post ideas in the works, so you'll be seeing those soon!) It's really just me letting you know what's going on with TSM at the moment, but there's a part for you all to get involved, so really, it's worth the read.

I started this blog a little over a year ago, and at the time it was just something to do for fun and for a bit more writing practice, honestly. As you can probably tell by the fact that I only wrote 32 posts all year, I didn't take it that seriously.

However, lately I've thought a little bit more about the possibility of blogging becoming more than a hobby, and it's made me think a bit more about why I blog and what I want to say.

Let me be the first to tell you, there is a plethora of information out on the web about how to start a blog, what sort of posts to write, how your blog should look, how to make money blogging, etc etc etc. I've read a lot of those articles. And I've ignored most of them.

Yes, maybe doing some of those things would make me more popular or get me more subscribers. But then what would set me apart from every other blogger in the world that read those posts and did what they said? What's left to make me original or interesting?

Honestly, I don't like being told what I can and can't do when it comes to things like this. For example, one big tip is to find your niche or topic, and focus on that. I could call myself a book blogger and make that my focus. But is that the only thing I care about? No.

As I think I've mentioned before, I don't like being put in a box. I don't like being labelled. So while the internet tells me to pick one topic, what do I want to do? I want to branch out and write about more. Of course, I'll still write about books. I love books. But I want to write about music, beauty, lifestyle, art, etc etc etc. I want to have variety. That said, I don't want to write about these things because they might get me more page views. I want to write about them because I enjoy them.

So why do I blog? I want to write. I want to combine writing (which I love) and all the other things I love. I want to write about things that are important to me and things that are important in the world. I want to have a voice and I want to have a message. Of course, a message doesn't matter much if no one listens.

And that's where you all come in. You're the ones listening, after all. I have a few post ideas that actually involve hearing from you. I'm planning to start a few Q&A style posts, and so, obviously, I need questions! I'm certainly not an expert, but I'm planning to write about beauty/style, books, and music, so send in your questions on those topics! You can comment below, or contact me using the links in the side bar.

And as a bonus, it's in the works to do sort of a collab/guest post type thing with a Julliard flutist, so if you have any questions for her about music, Julliard, or anything like that, send those in as well!

2016: New and Improved?

Alright, so posting once a week didn't happen. Sorry about that, and if you've stuck around this long despite all of my failed promises to write, thank you. And also wow, your loyalty is impressive. You are a true Hufflepuff, my friend, and you should take that as a compliment.

With the new year now just two days away, the holiday season is drawing to a dramatic close, complete with parties, fireworks, ball drops, and parades. But when all of that fades away, we're left with simply a new year. Scientifically, it's only the start of another of earth's revolutions around the star we call the sun. But to us, it's a fresh start, another chance.

In order to take advantage of this sparkling new year, full of hope and possibility, many of us will make New Year's resolutions. Maybe to lose weight, or make better grades, or save money, or actually keep up with a blog for more than one post a month. And, undoubtedly, many of us will find ourselves in February, wondering where all of that resolve went.

And that's why I'm not making any resolutions this year. Or last year, or probably next year. We feel pressured to make some sort of change in our lives because it's a new year. We think we have to be a new version of ourselves, too.

But new doesn't always mean improved. That's not to say that 2016 can't be better than 2015, it certainly can, and sometimes change is great. But I think many of us will know and agree that change isn't always for the better.

I think I had a great 2015, honestly. I've got great friends, great family, a great new house. I've read some wonderful new books and some old favorites. I've learned new things, and reviewed things I already knew. I've met new people and formed new relationships, and my best friend is sticking around for a tenth year. (I think. Honestly I've lost count.) There were plenty of new things this year that were fantastic, but there were plenty of things that stayed the same, and they were no less wonderful for not being "new and improved."

So while maybe I do need to maintain good grades next semester (three AP classes- yikes!),  or save money for my trip next new year, or make a goal of improving my ACT score, or actually post on this blog once in a while, those things aren't what's going to make 2016 a better year.

Appreciating the things I already have and love, as well as accepting and adjusting to new things that may come my way, is what will make this year fun. You know, maybe you've heard that old kids' song, "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold."

New things are great, but let's not forget to appreciate what we have.

Are You a Romantic?

If someone asked you if you were a romantic, what would you say? Okay, now if someone asked if you were a Romantic, what would you answer?

I've never really thought of myself as a Romantic. And no, we're not talking about Cupid and hearts and Valentine's Day, although that's all fine and good it that's your sort of thing.

So a few months ago, I probably would have answered no to both of those questions. Or at least the second one, for sure. But I think I've rethought my position since then.

In case you don't remember from your high school history or English literature class, Romanticism was a movement that circulated during the 1800's in America and Western Europe. It affected nearly all areas of art, including literature, visual art, music, and dance. It was largely a reaction against the Scientific Revolution, rationalism, and rapid industrialization of the time.

The Romantics believed that creativity was more important than intelligence, spontaneity was more important than planning, emotion was more important than mind, and nature was more important than industrialization.

And these few things are what made me disagree with them.

I will be the first to admit: I am a very logical person. I like to think out how to solve problems in a logical way, I analyze (and sometimes over-analyze) everything, and I tend to plan things out before I do them. So to insist that something else is more important than the way my brain works sort of instantly turned me away from agreeing with the Romantics.

But I am also a very creative person. All of my hobbies are very expressive ones: music, writing, art, and sometimes I can be rather reflective and sensitive. I do tend to plan out my stories before I write and sketch out my drawings before I paint, but it's still creativity.

I've realized now that I don't entirely disagree with the Romantic movement. I just disagree that one set of ideas is necessarily more important than the (seemingly opposite) set.

I believe in the importance of creativity as well as intelligence, spontaneity as well as planning, emotion as well as mind, and nature as well as industrialization. People, and the world as a whole, needs a balance of both to really be successful.

"There is no conflict between warm emotions and an intelligent, well-trained mind."                 —Walter Raymond Spalding, Music: An Art and a Language

6 Things I'd Say in a Letter to My Younger Self

Dear (younger) me:

There's a lot I could tell you about your future. I could go on and on, but you don't need to hear all of it. You do, however, need some encouragement, because your life is going to be difficult at times. That's just how life goes, but bad things don't make the good any less, well, good. So here I am, to tell you six things you need to know.

1. Don't get too excited about high school. It's not the dream you think it'll be, but it's not a nightmare either. Your classes will be hard, but you'll survive. You'll make friends, don't worry. But there'll be plenty of annoying people too. Which brings me to number...

2. Don't let those people get to you. People are going to say terrible things about you and your friends. Society itself will say terrible things too. You'll end up hating yourself. Don't listen to anyone who doesn't love you for who you are. Most importantly, love yourself.

3. Don't think you need a boyfriend to love you. High school romances are a long shot at love, if anything, and really cause more drama. You'll see it happen, there's no reason to experience it too. Be happy on your own, because you're great.

4. Don't be too proud. Yes, you're great. But don't forget that other people matter too. Always try to be kind, even when you don't want to. I know it's hard. But never stop.

5. Never stop being you. Don't change yourself into someone you're not comfortable being. Be everything you are and want to be. Accept yourself as a complicated, beautiful mess.

6. And no matter what, never ever give up. Classes will be hard, and you won't have much motivation. Don't quit. You won't want to do anything but lay around. But your future is so so bright and all your dreams are within your reach. So don't quit.

Good luck, and never ever forget to be extraordinary. I believe in you.

Love, me.